Primer in Politicalese; Guide to What the Jackasses Really MEAN

Great American people = the dolts who keep electing us every year.
The fine American way = what we tell the folks they have while stealing every bit we can
Justice= what rich folks with lawyers in silk-cashmere suits get
Investigation= time for me to run and cover up the dead bodies
Plain speaking= circuitous, convoluted, hyperbole infused with clichés and redundancies
Bill= some sort of language created by lawyers to which all sorts of other language is attached without anyone understanding any of it.
Gentleman from Maryland= asshole for a state governed by dipshits
Gentlewoman from Maryland= breasted asshole from a dipshit state
No more bailouts= all my silk-suited cronies and major supporters from Wall Street and the banks have got their bonuses, are living in the Bahamas, have promised continuing support so screw the rest
Too Big to Fail= all the wheels who work there give me huge bucks to help me stay elected. Got to keep them around.
Constitution= some legal document from long ago that I never read.
Free market= economic term suggesting a nonexistent fairy world where supply and demand is rumored to control the price of stuff.
Trouble Asset Relief Program- TARP
The canvass we pull over the dolts’ heads so they can’t see Goldman, BofA, and the rest of the gang heading out to rape them.

YOUR TEST of COMPREHENSION
Answers at the bottom

1. “Er… we are promising our constituencies that rigorous safe-guards designed to protect our great American people will be vigorously applied to the big banks and Wall Street.”

2. “Er…they really don’t make cars in America anyway.”

3. “I am going to demand that our committee address in a rigorous manner the absolute federal corruption that is crippling our great country.”

4. “I have here in my hand seven sound solutions to the health care dilemma but the other party will have nothing to do with either.”

5. “It is essential to the Great American people that we have a bi-partisan approach to this most grave issue.”

6. “We cannot survive as a Great Nation without campaign reform.”

7. “His comments sound like treason to me, certainly unpatriotic at a time when this Great Nation is at war.”

8. “Smaller government”

9. “No more taxes”

10. “I have you know this Volkswagen was made by Great American workers in Cranium Creek, Kentucky.”

11. “Get the government, all of it, out our lives.”

12. “We wish you and your American family the very best Holiday Greetings.”

ANSWERS

1. OK boys get those rates, penalties, and fees up as fast as you can. Get those hedge funds pumping and those fabricated securities re-designed before anyone catches on. Aw don’t worry about it; the dolts can’t do a damn thing about anyway.

2. I have a Mercedes, Jaguar, or Volkswagen.

3. OK, guys nap time except for Monday when we have national news-converge. Don’t forget your makeup, the silver hair-dye, and wear lots of flowers.

4. I ain’t got jack-shit in my hand but it looks great on TV. Damn, Joe McCarty was a smart dude.

5. Oh, shit, won’t someone form the other side please sign-on. I don’t want to be responsible for any of this crap; my term is up and I got to get home to campaign.

6. We have to convince the dolts that we are trying to make it possible for any dolt to run for office, but that ain’t going to happen until my immediate family and mistresses get filthy rich.

7. He is exercising Constitutional rights and has an opposing view point so we had better make all the dolts think he is against all the troops and the Bible and the Constitution.

8. Let’s increase the federal payroll and staff by five percent.

9. I won’t vote to pay for anything and just blame it all on entitlements.

10. Got VW some really great tax-breaks, put 400 illegals on the assembly-line, have VW stock, and real estate in Germany where the profits from this car are going anyways.

11. Dump every government program except the ones in my state. I won’t get reelected without pork.

12. I hope these discount- made-in-China cards will convince the dolts that I really give a damn.

Score: based on American-to-international-weighting system

1-3 correct very good, you are working hard not to be a dolt.

4-7 correct nearly excellent, you have done exemplary work and have made your instructor proud. You are almost out of doltdom.

8-10 correct outstanding, you are a credit to your race, to your sex, to your Little League team, and to your family. You are also eligible to run for office in Delaware.