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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I've Seen the Light, You're the One

It has been too long- over a month- but let me explain. For a couple of years, this little writing was my therapy, kept me from running naked through Target Super Stores, searching for the ultimate bargain, reduced a bit of the pent up verbosity from which I suffer since I gave up The Drink and swore off pub-proselytizing, and gave me the challenge of aligning brain cells in an attempt to create a sensible paragraph or two. But I was restless, felt discontent, thought I did not have my true voice. So, on my annual visit with my GP, I discussed my malaise, and the wise doctor said that now that I was a ward of the federal government and would not place a burden on the private enterprise system with my medical expenses, I should consider a mood-modifying surgery. He then shoved a thick red, white, and blue brochure with an eagle on the back into my hands, patted me on the back, and suggested that I look into what he considered a modern miracle of medicine.

And that’s where I have been for five weeks, in Wisconsin, at the Newt Gingrich Center for Hopeless Liberals having surgery and therapy, thanks mainly to Newt’s largess and my Medicare Card. On February 23, I left Salisbury on a connector flight to Philly where I got a direct flight to Madison. After I waded through the enhanced check points and security position because the state’s cops where on the lookout for some missing democratic congress-types, I was met by a team of three from The Center. These folks directed me to a long, black Lincoln Navigator, and while we made our way to Prairie du Chien, the location of Newt's Center, each took a turn discussing aspects of the surgery and the follow-up therapy which would forever alter my life and make me whole.

The surgery part, as Mr. John Fortunater explained it, was darn scary: the surgeon, assisted by nurses and electronic technicians, would make a two inch incision behind my left ear, core-out a one inch circle of my skull, fish up along my brain, and implant a neruro-transpondo-stimulator inside my frontal lobe. After all the contacts were confirmed working and the lifetime battery snapped in, the circle of skull would be cemented back in with bone-growth inducer (neat stuff- made from pig cells farmed in China), and the incision sewed up. All this in thirty minutes- then I would be wheeled next door to a recovery area in The Reagan Center for Reconstructive Therapy where within hours of waking I would begin classes and behavior modifying work. John finished his over-view, handed me a nifty, durable plastic schematic of the surgery traced in red, white and blue, mentioned that I would most likely enjoy having it framed, and turned the tutorial over to Ms. Sally Slamluky. She explained how education, meditation, and medication would combine to augment the stimulator’s work of altering my personality and how, in two busy weeks, I would leave the center remade, whole, worthy of spending my final years benefiting society. As the Lincoln drifted across Wisconsin, Sally breezed through the course descriptions of Modern Conservatism, Hedge Funding, and Budget Reduction for a New Age, three of the thirteen courses that have made me a new, reinvigorated, redirected man. What with my being a college graduate and all, this part about education and modification was pretty easy to get and not a bit scary. When Sally finished, she announced that Bob the driver had us about fifteen minutes from Prairie du Chien and right on schedule, allowing that this time would be for my asking questions and for my signing off on all the Medicare forms that would cover the surgery and classes. It was pretty clear to me that these folks were the most efficient, well-trained team that I had ever had the pleasure to work with. We arrived exactly on time, and I was escorted right on in.

In another post, I will recall in detail for you, My Dear Reader,classes; for now,I will focus on a few of the results of my operation. Since I got back home, I have been too busy until this morning to write this blog. I have burned every copy of The Rolling Stone that I had saved for my grandchildren, shredded and tossed into the landfill all my glossies of Bill and Hilary, ended my online subscription to The New York Times, PBS, The Huffington Post, and Imus in the Morning. I have started a new business- NITESKOOL™ which I am advertising as the place to get the education that you missed in public school. I don’t have any clients yet but did design and have printed a flag-shaped brochure in red, white, and blue which I am handing out in the Wal-Mart parking lots in the area. There’s plenty of room for all the boxes of brochures in the cargo area of the 2011 Escalade I bought for 62 thousand (the gun mounts and detachable armor-proof turret on the roof were an extra 12 grand) all 62 K of which I will depreciate and deduct from my taxes in April, 2012. I even worked out a deal with X-finity to spot-advertise my company on The O’Reilly Factor and plan for two one minute spots for a month of Glenn Beck. Since I formed a LLC, I am donating another 20K to the Sarah for President Fund thus ducking those silly laws about donation levels for individuals. The LLC also gives me the advantage of profits taxed at individual rates rather than corporate plus I can write- heat, phone, gas, electric, etc. as business expense AND enjoy the mortgage interest deduction, too. Furthermore, now that I have the stimulator in place, I have the energy and motivation to blog about the moral sense it makes for the country to honor corporate contracts with CEOs of busted companies, about the fiscal good sense of eliminating all the public broadcasts (I get a sharp, piercing twinge every time I think about my children being educated for free by those pinko Sesame Street characters- they were ruined for life for which I will be eternally depressed), about how we should raise the speed limits on all roads to a minimum of 65 mile per hour now that Cadillac has a 300 horsepower car (what’s the need of GM putting out a car that can’t go as fast as 300 horses could push it?),and about how proud I am that Wisconsin, the very state where I got my operation, got rid of its teachers’ contracts in order to balance its budget- makes sense for Wisconsin and should make sense for the nation. And I have great plans to sponsor a Pat Buchannan look-a-like contest at our local library and a Ronald Reagan Course in Global Economics at my NITESKOOL ™. Great plans, re-enthused life.

Look, much more later, I have to get out to stimulate the economy. I am headed down to the Discount Tobacco Center to get a box of Cohiba Coronos Especiales and a box of Montecristo Grand Edmundo Edicion Limitas. Plus, I got to see if I can scrounge up a couple of illegals to do some yard work, polish up the Escalade, and remove the Turn Off Fox- Bad News for America bumper sticker from the Focus and replace it with my brand new From My Dead Hands NRA one. Got to look after those investments.

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