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Friday, December 11, 2009

Primer in Politicalese; Guide to What the Jackasses Really MEAN

Great American people = the dolts who keep electing us every year.
The fine American way = what we tell the folks they have while stealing every bit we can
Justice= what rich folks with lawyers in silk-cashmere suits get
Investigation= time for me to run and cover up the dead bodies
Plain speaking= circuitous, convoluted, hyperbole infused with clich├ęs and redundancies
Bill= some sort of language created by lawyers to which all sorts of other language is attached without anyone understanding any of it.
Gentleman from Maryland= asshole for a state governed by dipshits
Gentlewoman from Maryland= breasted asshole from a dipshit state
No more bailouts= all my silk-suited cronies and major supporters from Wall Street and the banks have got their bonuses, are living in the Bahamas, have promised continuing support so screw the rest
Too Big to Fail= all the wheels who work there give me huge bucks to help me stay elected. Got to keep them around.
Constitution= some legal document from long ago that I never read.
Free market= economic term suggesting a nonexistent fairy world where supply and demand is rumored to control the price of stuff.
Trouble Asset Relief Program- TARP
The canvass we pull over the dolts’ heads so they can’t see Goldman, BofA, and the rest of the gang heading out to rape them.

Answers at the bottom

1. “Er… we are promising our constituencies that rigorous safe-guards designed to protect our great American people will be vigorously applied to the big banks and Wall Street.”

2. “Er…they really don’t make cars in America anyway.”

3. “I am going to demand that our committee address in a rigorous manner the absolute federal corruption that is crippling our great country.”

4. “I have here in my hand seven sound solutions to the health care dilemma but the other party will have nothing to do with either.”

5. “It is essential to the Great American people that we have a bi-partisan approach to this most grave issue.”

6. “We cannot survive as a Great Nation without campaign reform.”

7. “His comments sound like treason to me, certainly unpatriotic at a time when this Great Nation is at war.”

8. “Smaller government”

9. “No more taxes”

10. “I have you know this Volkswagen was made by Great American workers in Cranium Creek, Kentucky.”

11. “Get the government, all of it, out our lives.”

12. “We wish you and your American family the very best Holiday Greetings.”


1. OK boys get those rates, penalties, and fees up as fast as you can. Get those hedge funds pumping and those fabricated securities re-designed before anyone catches on. Aw don’t worry about it; the dolts can’t do a damn thing about anyway.

2. I have a Mercedes, Jaguar, or Volkswagen.

3. OK, guys nap time except for Monday when we have national news-converge. Don’t forget your makeup, the silver hair-dye, and wear lots of flowers.

4. I ain’t got jack-shit in my hand but it looks great on TV. Damn, Joe McCarty was a smart dude.

5. Oh, shit, won’t someone form the other side please sign-on. I don’t want to be responsible for any of this crap; my term is up and I got to get home to campaign.

6. We have to convince the dolts that we are trying to make it possible for any dolt to run for office, but that ain’t going to happen until my immediate family and mistresses get filthy rich.

7. He is exercising Constitutional rights and has an opposing view point so we had better make all the dolts think he is against all the troops and the Bible and the Constitution.

8. Let’s increase the federal payroll and staff by five percent.

9. I won’t vote to pay for anything and just blame it all on entitlements.

10. Got VW some really great tax-breaks, put 400 illegals on the assembly-line, have VW stock, and real estate in Germany where the profits from this car are going anyways.

11. Dump every government program except the ones in my state. I won’t get reelected without pork.

12. I hope these discount- made-in-China cards will convince the dolts that I really give a damn.

Score: based on American-to-international-weighting system

1-3 correct very good, you are working hard not to be a dolt.

4-7 correct nearly excellent, you have done exemplary work and have made your instructor proud. You are almost out of doltdom.

8-10 correct outstanding, you are a credit to your race, to your sex, to your Little League team, and to your family. You are also eligible to run for office in Delaware.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Another Morning’s Musings

Please Just Shut Up, Already

OK, so you think President Obama applied for the Nobel Prize? Have you done any reading on how recipients are selected? Do you know the criteria? And, what is the guy supposed to do, insult the world by not accepting, insult most by not showing up? Recently, goobers by the scads have mouthed off on how Obama doesn’t deserve the prize and how he ought to be somewhere else pitching for jobs instead of showing up to accept a prize. On the other hand, you got another bunch who is muttering that he has insulted Norway because he didn’t add more time in Norway to meet the king and all the rest of swells who make up the committee and rituals which normally go along with the award. And? What if the guy, upon notice of the award said, “Oh shit, I don’t really know what I did to deserve this.” Was he as leader of our nation supposed to say that and insult the ones who awarded it to him? What would a gracious person do; what would a politician do; what would John Boehner do; what would you do?

I do not know myself if he “deserves” it; I am not happy that he has not got our asses out of expensive wars because I do not know that we are any safer for being in them; I am displeased with his lack of speed in ending the corruption that is killing our financial and medical complexes. However, when it comes to “deserving,” I can’t come to grips with why our crooked bankers and crooked politicians are not getting what they deserve. I know we would be better off directing our energies making sure that the politicians who have not minded the store, that all the bureaucrats who get paid for ignoring rules and laws, and that all the financial wizards that lined their pockets while letting 97 percent of this nation go down the toilet get what they deserve.

In case you did not know it, two concepts are at play here. Our preceding president and his administration was so abysmally horrible and truly despised by the world that our current President seems to have captured the imagination of hope that much of the world has for our future. Second, in case you hadn’t looked, the rest of the world ain’t mostly white. I suspect that this man, by managing to become our first President of color, has suggested for many, in places foreign, that just maybe some justice and equality might be around the corner for them.
I do not know who deserves a Nobel Prize, and Obama is not the only American to receive it under some suspicion. I do care and hope his speech is well done and that he builds some good will around the world with his world. See, I want him to do well because I want this country to do well. It’s that simple.

Health What, Redux

A bit back, I was trying to explain my frustration and confusion and anger over what had happened when I decided to deal with a small independent pharmacy instead of a larger chain. I wrote my local politicians about what I perceive as conflicts of interest in the way Medco, the state’s pharmaceutical provider is allowed to do business. I did get a response though from one senator’s executive assistant that the senator and she had been waiting, as of November 30, since June 6 of this year to meet with the lobbyist from Medco. However, the lobbyist is on record, I guess, of stating that he “preferred that we come to him instead of drafting a bill to correct it.” In this statement the “we” is the senator and assistants and the “it” refers to a similar complaint that my pharmacist had filed regarding the same issues. As of this morning, my pharmacist had heard not from an elected official but from the legislative aide and has heard not from Medco, and I do not know if the lobbyist has ever met with the good senator or not. As for me, I have yet to hear personally from either of my district’s politicians. I guess I will get my lobbyist to go see them.

Maybe She Will just Float off with the Polar Bears; They Would Probably Get Food Poisoning

Sara Palin who has the depth of logic and intellect of a WalMart birdbath is at the global warming issue, again. I won’t dare go into just how vapid this quitter is but when she yabbles about the non-existence of global warming, I quote Alaska’s Senator Murkowski’s comments to Hillary Clinton during the latter’s confirmation hearings: Murkowski- “The loss of summer sea ice from climate change is having a truly dramatic effect on the Arctic, and the Bush administration saw this unfolding.” Clinton-“You know, maybe because the change has been relatively rapid with the melting of the sea ice, people haven't kept up with what is going on in the Arctic, and I -- when I was in your office and you were telling me about how cruise ships now are going to Point Barrow, I was shocked.” Murkowski-“So were the people at Point Barrow. So were the people at Point Barrow! I mean, look on the map. It's the northernmost place in the United States, and it's not a place that one would have thought previously was on the tour for cruise ships.” And earlier Murkowski- “we have opportunities, when it comes to a leadership role, in collaboration on research, on environmental issues, on issues as they relate to commerce, and we're seeing more of those issues present themselves as we see a world out there that is more and more free of sea ice.”
Do any of you so called conservative Republicans out there who support Palin ever read anything or are you, like Pat Buchannan, too busy trying to look down her blouse or trying to catch a shot of beaver at a book signing? How come Alaska’s Senator knows that Alaska is melting away, and the state’s former gov and wannabe political pundit/candidate hasn’t a clue? I hope that the helicopter she uses for shooting wolves doesn’t run out of gas; the pilot might not find a spot of ice to set down on. Jeeeesh want a maroooon. I do hope she runs out of political gas.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Guy’s Golf Game Is in the Balance

OK everyone is chipping in on Tiger; so, here is my interpretation of what this means.

Nothing then everything.

I have never been a fan of Tiger and while it may not be totally original, I have very often referred to him as the guy who brought basketball to golf. All the crap about golf being the game of gentlemen and the most honest game in sport and thus the fairest simply went in the hazards when Woods came along. But I could never rally an admiration for him for several reasons.

First, compared to many guys who struggle in sports to make a buck (and I do not have a ton sympathy for them) Tiger has had every advantage and that is OK, nearly. He had a doting father, a promoter supreme, a country club Joe Jackson, muted, yes but a promoter nonetheless. He has a vicious witch for a mom, imagine telling your 8 year old that when you have your opponent down stomp on his throat. But one can’t dislike a dude because of how his mom and pops are. Consider instead the last day of his last amateur win at Pumpkin Ridge. Steve Scott took the championship to thirty-eight holes before losing to Woods. Scott was ahead at the end of the first eighteen holes and at the break, Tiger consulted with his swing coach, his dad, his putting coach, and with his caddy. Scott, an amateur, had a quiet sandwich with his girlfriend who was also his caddy for the tournament. OK, so one guy has the dough to afford to win and that is the American way and the way of golf, for in the past 30 years only Trevino became a champion by coming up through the driving ranges, public links, and hustling tournaments around the South. Most established American champions since Palmer have either family in professional golf or mom and pops had the do-re-mi to be hustle junior off to the sweetest country clubs and the most intense lessons from the best teachers. No big deal to me, life ain’t fair, but golf manners are supposed to supersede advantage. The expectation of golf champions has always been that they show respect for their opponents. However, in his last amateur win (a link for you to look is below), Tiger does not have the dignity to first congratulate his opponent. The first in his arms was his mom for an abbreviated hug, the opponent’s throat being well-collapsed. The second embrace was from dad whose hug went on while tears flowed. Then a firm handshake and pat on the back for his caddie. In the meantime, awkwardly and I think embarrassingly, Scott had to wander around the green waiting for Tiger to disentangle himself from his entourage. What a shame. Had I been Scott, I would have wanted the handshake and the national interview to be over quickly. It ain’t fun to lose especially a big one. Hell, since I am not known for being politically correct, I probably would have walked off. So, I got a problem with Tiger because he does not have manners. He has never shown manners or respect for his opponent on a course; his gyrations, fist pumps, racing to balls with finger extended are basketball bull-shit that normally are not the culture of golf.

Also, I didn’t care a bit for Tiger’s attitude about and histrionics over his winning the Masters. He made a big deal about how former black golfers did not have the chance to win a Masters because golf and Augusta National had been an exclusive white-folks tournament and club. Of, course Augusta National was real quick to hustle up one black member when it became apparent the there was no way these rich old dudes running things down there were going to avoid Tiger Woods. SO? So, first Tiger ain’t black in the first place. He is Thai-American, fifty percent, Native American, twenty-five percent, and African- American, twenty-five percent. He is either Thai-American or just plain American as far as I am concerned and always will be. But there is not giant market, I guess, in Thai American golfers, no news, no bucks. I guess a guy can tag himself anything he wants? But another problem jumped into my face: at the same time Woods was bemoaning, rightly, the racist history of The Masters, there were no women allowed in that country club, none, zip, nada. When Tiger was approached about the inequity for women there in the magnolia-lined drive, he took the gutless route and refused to comment. I got a real problem with a guy who ain’t black, hitting the bricks for black golfers but taking the coward’s path when questioned about unfair treatment of women at Augusta. I still believe that the best questions of all for Woods would have been, “Hey, Tiger, whataya think about dis place not havin no Thai-American golfers? Don’t you want to see some folks of Thai heritage beaten’ the ball around here?” I sure would have loved to see him answer that one.

Now what to do? Does anyone in the world with even primitive media not know Tiger has boinked 9 or 12 hot women, waitresses, escorts, cart girls, and a few women, I guess, that are sort of passed around by all the top jocks in the country? And hey, just imagine your hitting a tree and a hydrant in your neighborhood and telling the state police that you didn’t want to talk then and to just check back in five days or so? Oh, well, you would probably be driving an 86 Toyota pickup and not a ginormous, black Escalade and, therefore, would deserve to be drug off to jail. Gotta have an Escalade. So, all the news now is he addicted to sex, like who isn’t if they got the bucks to get all they want from all over, you know break up the monotony of sleeping with a huge, blond model. The other news and “in” word is the question of his “branding.” Endless idiots assault cable news everyday pontificating about whether Tiger’s screwing around on the mother of his two kids is going to hurt sales and his pocket book. Hey, Tiger wanted a huge blond model and from the looks of the info on the pre-nup and the offers out there for her to stay with The Man, he bought one,sort of like folks going to buy a brood mare. That didn’t hurt his “brand.” Branding disasters, Tiger’s problems, the fall from grace, yuk some hate the situation; some defend it. It won’t affect me one dimple because I wasn’t buying any of the junk with his name on it in the first place.

But I am anxious to see if he wins The Masters. If he does, oh wow, forget the teachers like Leadbetter, Harmon, and Haney. These guys will go broke and a cottage industry will spring up and help the economy and golfers. Obviously, if he wins, having multiple sex-partners will roll in as the best way to fix a golf swing. Hot damn, go Tiger! YoudaMan!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Leakin’ and Learnin’

As many homeowners with the misfortune to have a home with a basement, I have been under “leak’ arrest for more than a month. Every half hour I go down into the basement to turn on a utility pump which sucks water out of the southwest wall and pumps it into a sump which pumps the water to a ditch on the east side of the property. If I don’t do this, the water rises into a small stream running into the basement floor where it will build up in a 64 gallon puddle before reaching the sump on its own. OK got all that? As Vonnegut says, “So it goes.” Can’t stop nature or any physical nature of hydraulics, but I am getting a good education in both.

Between trips down the stairs, I get an education on the two wars into which we dump an average of 1.000.000 dollars a year, per solider. I get that figure from all sorts of sources, the freshest being Joe Scarborough and Pat Buchannan, the conservative pundits for MSNBC who now want to know how we are going to pay for the army that the current administration plans to send there to win the hearts and minds of the Afghans and to stomp out the Taliban. I will use that figure; it is as good as any and as reliable as all (I am convinced that no one knows how much we are spending per day on war, depends on which clock or calculator and on which group is doing the figuring). Anyhow, it is a hellofa mess of money, all of which comes from taxes or really from the credit card called deficit spending. But am I missing something as usual? Are we not already spending that million a year per solider in Iraq? Will we not transfer some of the guys and gals for Iraq to serve with McCrystal in Afghanistan? Why do those idiot conservatives make it sound like it is new troops and new money? Where did we get the money for the seven years of war in Iraq plus the nation building (now that IS an oxymoron)? We didn’t; we charged it. Seven years ago, were Scarborough and Buchannan, MSNBC’s morning morons, asking how we were going to pay for the invasion of Iraq to get to those weapons of mass destruction? I do not think so.

So what good will it do transfer 30,000 troops to Afghanistan? Plain and simple: it will keep the deficit growing and accomplish little. According to COIN (that’s a cool acronym for the policies of counterinsurgency adopted many years ago by our military institutions) manuals and operational strategy, the idea is to move into urban areas, to squeeze out the enemy, to train the locals to be good police and army dudes, and then to get on out, leaving that area in the capable hands of the newly trained cops and soldiers. I will not try to argue whether this will work or not; some say it has in Iraq, but until we leave there in total (and we are not ever going to) no one will really know. And Afghanistan is not Iraq: they have never had a well-trained standing army (the mujaheddin war lords fought the Russians with our support; heck, identical warlords fought Alexander the Great), and they have about a 10 percent literacy rate on a good day in Afghanistan. Imagine trying to train cops and soldiers who cannot read; imagine trying to train those folks when they are possibly not loyal to a country but to a tribe. Pashtu is the predominate tribal influence, and the Pashtun like to help out other Pashtu, and this pisses off the other tribes, the Tajik, the Uzbek, and Hazara. The CIA will tell you that there are about 60 Pashtu tribes which are divided into 400 sub-tribes. Sort of imagine what it would have been like here conquering the Sioux, the Crow, the Comanche, and the Kiowa if they all had AK-47s. To complicate matters, some of these folks are Sunni and some are Shia. The bad guys, the Taliban, are Sunni refugees slipping back and forth between their country and Pakistan but have in their forces Chechens, Punjabis, and Arabs. And they get support for all over, including our buddies in Pakistan. Go figure; we give money to Pakistan to help fight Al Qaeda; Pakistan gives money to the Taliban to help fight us, I guess. And if you think this little bit is complicated, throw in a tiny bit of economics of destitution: since most Taliban are educated in hyper-religious madrassas, they have little education in science, math or vocations. Hence, to the Taliban, war is work and no war is unemployment and nobody is going to give the Taliban unemployment compensation. For them to eat, to be clothed, to survive is to wage war against anybody.

Heck, I won’t go on. It is an educational challenge, slippery as K-Y. All you have to remember is COIN because it is going to take billions of coin to wage more war in Afghanistan. Right now people all over are arguing over this idea of a surge of troops. But right or wrong one thing is very clear: nobody wants to pay for it. Trillions on credit-card wars, rising deficits: priceless.

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