Dear President Obama,
What’s rolling in your world? It has been a while since I last wrote, and I cannot remember, too lazy to look, if I was praising or bitching the last time I dropped you a line. Or I might have been looking for one of those jobs up there around the Beltway (I was on the Beltway with a friend recently, seems the number lobbyist and all have grown in inverse proportion to the highway access. Damn what a mess- I really think you ought to look into that the next time you got a little time on your hands.) I also remember advising you to give the government to the Republicans. You did not follow my advice which puts you right in there the two friends I have who do not heed my notions at all; they think I am off a bit in the cognitive-where-with-alls, if you get my drift. I in no way claim to be the sharpest cheddar in the barrel, but I can certainly claim that I have got more sense than that bunch who are supposed to be advising you on how to run your office and handle all the messes. Hell, any semi-savvy survivor of Wor-Wic Community College could roll right in a do as good a job-give Wor-Wic a call there may be one sort of smart in the recent litter of graduates.
It does seem to me that the boys and girls who are supposed to be keeping you out of hot water are more inclined to let you flap in the breezes of public polls; you seem to hop all over the place in reaction to whatever negative numbers Gallup can milk out of the pea brain of the American public (it has never called me). For example, you are all over Louisiana now that one pol or another said the public was disappointed that you had not shown down there- Obama’s Katrina. Next thing we will get a sweet picture of you with a bottle of Dawn in your hand scrubbing off some ol’ pelican or heron. Of course, that’s if you can beat Bobby Jindal to the press podium. Ain’t he just the cutest little foot-stomper that you have ever seen? For sure, he has probably ruined some perfectly good kid-skin pumps sloshing around in the oil and all. Of course, you could fill in for the man whose wife was bitching on CNN this morning about how her husband didn’t care much for his new found job scrubbing wildlife, his not being an animal-person and what-not. Of course, if you really want to get re-elected, you could get some photos of you down there screwing a cap on that pipe with a Craftsman pipe wrench. Hell, do it in a studio and get that Cameron what’s-his-name to advise you on how to make it look real. That’s how we got to the moon you know; well, we didn’t get there as you know, but that’s old news. Heck, if you are not careful Jindal will be down there in a Chinese submarine, filming a bunch of Indian engineers advising Sarah Palin on how the oil will really make the shrimp and fish an oysters as tasty as bear meat and how those creatures being coated with oil will really benefit the American consumer, saving them on olive oil or Pam or whatever their lubricant of choice for frying. Ain’t it curious that he goes by Bobby, kind of like you used to go by Barry? Wonder why Rust Limpbag hasn’t asked for the birth certificate of Governor Piyush Jindal, son of those Indian immigrants?
You see, Mr. President, as I tried to tell you, the Republicans are more about frying your ass so they can get back into a majority than they are about actually trying to do something for a citizen that makes less than 40 million a year. They are the best ever for completely fucking something up, getting out of office long enough for midget- brained-Americans to forget how totally corrupt they are, then coming back to save the country with some sort of melt-down economy or another. Of course, your bunch is not much better- you can’t do a damn thing that’s brief and to the point, or sensible and simple. Hell, any changes you have made seem to be for the benefit for one constituency or another, in direct proportion of course, to how much Moola they pumped into your campaign. Dang, I am still waiting for you to get the heat off the homos in the service; an executive order ought to do that nicely; then, in 2012, the Tea Bagger President can rescind it.
Oh yeah, while I am on a roll: how come you boys and girls are getting health care and pensions that most folks can’t come close to touching ? How come you don’t just do an executive order declaring that you and all senators, congresspeople, and those who work for them MUST pay for their own health insurance? Seems to me that I am one of your employers providing all sorts of benefits but that I cannot hold you accountable for doing a decent day’s work. Furthermore, it appears that working for the federal government is really tax-paid-OJT for the lobbying industry. You could cut an executive order here too, Mr. President, making it illegal for federal employees to take a job with a lobbyist or industry within five years of their employment. You will only be in office for a couple more years but at least you’d have brought change for a while. And while you are doing those orders, cut one freezing the assets of all the companies who got assistance to avoid financial calamity. For a while hang on to all the dough including salaries, bonuses, and stock options- just to the smoke clears.
Well, as usual, thanks for reading; I still say give it all back to the Republicans who will immediately rescind any of your orders that hold businesses accountable; you’ll sleep better at nights. Ooops, of yeah, if one of those jobs pops up where I can go to work regulating but really get to play computer games, watch porn, and get all kinds of gifts and stuff from the ones I am supposed to be regulating, give me a call or get Joe to do it. I could sure handle some work like that.