Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It Ain’t Me, Babe

Look, I should never have signed up for the first course in sociology; it twizzled my brain, made me sign up for more sociological investigations: sociology of groups, small group behavior, sociology of community development, sociology of religion- all inexact science, all skortched my brain, got me wondering why is what we do, what we do? I can’t help it: wondering is what I do best- not finding answers- just wondering.

So, I got to wondering one night while watching commercials what is it with these online match-making systems? You know, you go on the internet, you do some sort of profile, answer all sorts of tests which are personality sorters, get a snappy user name, and write a profile. The answers to those tests pigeon hole you into categories devised by the site owners and then for a fee their main frames will sort through all the strings of your binary noodles and match your codes with their codes and, viola, a match made by angels dancing on the head of a pin- or well that is what is supposed to happen if you believe the commercials.

While wondering, I decided I would give it a fling, sociologically speaking. But there is a hitch- I am as you know a cheapskate. So, I start digging around the internet and find one that is absolutely free, costs nothing, nada, zero; I did not even have to list a credit card to pop in. (POF) is it; yep free online dating, founded by Markus Frind who was born in 1978 in Canada, which explains why the site is free. According to the wikipeedians, the site has 11 million participants, gets about 37 million visits a day in North America and about 8 million in England. I did not know all this until I sat to write this blog- my main issue was that POF is free. Currently, POF will take your money by letting you upgrade to something called Serious member- I wasn’t all that serious and could just as well do without the little gold dot by my profile and name (actually the darn dot looks like dull bronze to me so I am even gladder I did not pay)

Anyhow, I grabbed a fistful of licorice Twizzlers and sat down to sign up- all standard stuff: name, password, email, and user name. I am not going to tell you mine, let it be enough of a hint that I used a French perfume of the same name or was it toilet water? No matter, all that part was easy. The tough part was what POF call Chemistry; under this section (and if you do Chemistry, you are nearly guaranteed to score) there are questionnaires on self-confidence, family orientation, self-control, openness, and easygoingness: don’t ask; I haven’t a clue, but I did Chemistry to the best of my ability. The rest was simple; I selected an age range and location to “go fishing” for my matches.

OK, my first match, top of the list, confesses a love for fast cars-I drive a four cylinder Focus that hasn’t been washed in 7 months. She loves the beach; all I can remember about the beach is the sand that got trapped in the crack of my ass and sanded me for the thirty mile ride back home, oh yeah and the horseflies. Also, this lady loves to boogie board; I tremble at the idea of me on a boogie board because the next deal for me would be a neck board. So, I move on.

My next match reads: “like to go to the beach, hang out with friends. No long hair, like clean shaven men with blue eyes, height does not matter. I like stocky men, not too thin not too muscular.” Damn, I had just posted my photos from the only time in my life that I had shoulder length hair, genetics dictated my brown eyes, and no where do I see “fond of pot belly” in her must have list. And hell, there is the beach again. This lady may well be one of the Girls of Brazil, and certainly she has not heard about big Bs cancelling out little bs in Mendel’s scheme. Ouch- god I’d have to be a member of Aryans Unlimited to even drop her a line. Maybe I ought to look in a different and more appropriate age group.

So…… “I like the beach and going to our place on the chesapeake (sic) I dont (sic) cook (learning though), but i (sic) love to clean. am mommy of a wonderful little boy. I am may not be (ahhh sic) the size 2 blonde with fake boobs and no personality that most men seem to go for, but ,,,” Goodness, I wonder what the little fella eats? Dang wrong generation, but, again, I press on.

“Maybe we could go to a beach one evening and just talk and watch the sun set and let the rustling of the waves be our music.” No wonder beach property is always expensive, unless of course it’s giving you a wedgie.

“someone with a sense of humor I work for a Cable TV contractor so I know how to handle men with their issues, don't need to buck up against me.” Having a sense of humor is important in getting a date, many women want a man who makes them laugh, and then there’s me- Mr. Warmth and Chuckles, always trying to buck up against someone. This is getting difficult.

“One last thing - I am very allergic to cats - so, as much as you might love yours, I cannot be around them.” Crap, I just dropped five hundred on a seal point.


“ I like to travel and explore new places, listen to music, go to the beach or pool, swimming, biking, walking, reading, tasting and drinking wine, go to wineries, boating, roller coasters and amusement parks, white water rafting, going to the gym, shopping, computers, spend time with friends, watching TV or movies, eating ice cream, chocolate, Starbucks, flying. “ See, if she had only liked checkers, I might have stood a chance.

“Someone who appreciates a good woman and knows one when he sees her. One who is not shallow or insane. One who is somewhat healthy and likes to get out and do things. One who is very sensual and sexual, but thinks with his big head, not the little one.” Well, there you go, I am definitely a little headed guy, and the sanity deal has got me cornered, too.

I didn’t shop through the men but am sure I could not get a date there either. But my wondering only increases: will I have to get in shape enough to do long walks? Will I have to develop a George Carlin routine to stand a chance? What IS a soul mate, an honest man, a good-hearted man, a non-player, a confident man? Why am I not eligible for a date according to one BABE because I do not have all my teeth? I wonder if she would go out with Russell Crowe even if he is missing a wisdom tooth? I do notice that on POF women generally like beaches, humor, holding hands, optimism, honesty, roaring fire places, and in my age group, antiquing. Of course that fits perfectly for they are, after all, trying to land an antique. Oh well, I am not going to make it in the online dating gig: hate the beach, don’t have the breath for long walks, arthritis prohibits heated hand holding, can’t boogie on a board, not sure if I have a soul, and get claustrophobic when snuggling by a roaring fire. Also, I have to get off the site because if I get one more email advertising penis enlargement or from Wanda with the hottest photos and private webcam, I am going to totally snap and turn republican.