I had an epiphany last evening while old Fuzz and I sat on the porch sweating, smoking El Dominicanos Mezqino, and cogitating; so much was flying through my brain about all that’s up and down in Merica that, out of the fog lifting up across the back of Aqua Acres, came a cerebral zap so strong it made me inhale a choking draft of cigar smoke: I should give up on the bitching, moaning, educating and run for office. So, I am officially announcing my coming out as a politician. I haven’t made up my mind just what I will run for, but if there were a king, I would run for king, sounds good king, King Woody. But it might be for US senator, for president, or for mayor of Bacon Switch.
So here go my initial disclosures and my declaration of willingness to be vetted for public office:
I got married real young in what was in those days called a “had to” marriage. A lot of embarrassment and struggling were had by all, but for most of it we made out OK. So there, get over it and now you don’t have to run around telling all my potential constituents, “You know, he “had to” get married,” making it sound like, “You know, he stole cattle and lived with them in the mountains during the winter.”
I smoked some dope when it was good dope and made you giggle and think you actually enjoyed Bob Dylan’s voice. Now, I am all for legalizing marijuana and selling it, in nifty, art deco packages at the local AB & M Center. In fact, I am all for taking away the subsidies for peanut growers, oil companies, ethanol makers and giving a two year subsidy to any small business man who wants to get into a start up marijuana farm. I am also prepared to give patents to any who come up with specific, identifiable hybrids of weed that can be used in cooking, cleaning, medicine, or baseball bats. And while I am at it, I would legalize bulk, pulp hemp which should do a great job in revitalizing some farmers and replace pine as the product of choice for pulp paper production. I could care less if a bunch runs amok into a field to get high; hell, you can get high on oak leaves if you smoke enough. Oh, yes one other dope scandal to declare: I nipped some of my mother’s medical methamphetamine so that I could stay up nights studying for exams. It worked; I passed plus had an interesting conversation with some dude who wasn't sitting at the end of my bed.
I am guilty of spending a mini-fortune on cheap beer and Irish whiskey and dinners at various gin mills and honky-tonks from Maryland south to Florida and Delaware west to New Mexico. Like many, I caught a DUI; I am not particularly proud of all this; I am just saying, now you know, and you don’t have to go digging through my Master Card payments or trash cans to find out where I spend my bucks or what offenses I committed (the picture of me driving through the camera and a red light in Seaford is still on my refrigerator because the photo flatters me). If you care, I haven’t had a drink in seven years not that I am to be trusted simply because I don’t drink anymore. Once,back in the 80s, when I told a neighbor,that, at that time, I was not drinking, her mouth popped open and she asked what was wrong with me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong so I went over and had a couple of martinis with her and quickly felt a whole mess more normal.
I was late a couple of times filing my tax-forms, no excuse, just late. But I do not think I was ever late if I owed the government money. And while I am on the topic you might as well know that if elected I will cancel the tax codes, not taxes, just the codes that are full of loopholes and exemptions for just about every major constituency that lobbies DC. In fact, if elected, I promise your tax form will be a cheap post card, made from pulped hemp, which states “Sign Below If You Did Not Earn More Than 2000 Dollars in Untaxed Revenues. “ This would be followed by “Check Here if You Made More and Send a Check for 25 Percent of What You Earned.” That’s it folks. I know H&R Block and all the similar companies would go out of business but so would most of the IRS and the remaining could spend major time investigating the real crooks, the bankers, politicians, and dope dealers who do not pay taxes.
I am positive I will think of some more sins that I will report in later blogs, but I will tell you up front, you ought to get over my sins and take care of your own: I will stay out of your sins if you stay out of mine, if you get my drift. But to be fair, I won’t bother disclosing stuff I have gone public with; you already know, of course, if you have been a regular reader, that I am cheap as Seniors’ Night at IHop. Later, I will divulge my positions on education, choice, Cuba, homosexuals, religion, The Constitution, Wall Street, DE lawmakers, immigration, and whatever else I figure to be germane to my candidacy so that voters will know all they can about me. I will close this blog up by admitting that I am thinking of hiring the airline dude who snapped and jumped down the emergency chute with a couple of beers under his arm for my public relation head. Of course I will have to wait for him to get out of jail; certainly he will go before Maxine Waters or Charlie Rangel will. I am pretty sure the woman who tossed a beer through the McDonald’s drive-up-window would be a likely candidate for Secretary of Defense; she will be out of the slam in 20 or so days pending good behavior. Hell, if she can snap so over not being able to get a Big Mac at 6 AM I imagine she should deal just right with the fquwacking Taliban.
I will close with giving my party-of-one a name: The Anti-Hypocrisy - Has Answers Party ought to do. I will in future blogs give you more planks from the AH-HA Party. Have a good one and hug an unemployed teacher when you drop off your basket at the food co-op.
Thanks to Woody once again for my title.