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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

But You Know Talk Is Cheap

Some say that I waste too much time watching cable news. Chances are they are correct, but in self-defense, while I openly admit to fully despising the political slants of FUX and MSNBC, I use these programs daily, especially in the AM to see if all is good with my psyche. OK, I never watch the Fair and Balanced bunch because they ain’t, but I will know that I am dead when I get up some morning and watch Joe Scarborough and do not get pissed at something he says, the inflated air-bag who could not frame a sentence if one took the words, “When I was in Congress . . . “from his vocabulary. He would most likely drool, his morning lattes dripping from the corners of his mouth. Yet, this morning, his remarks about how Anthony Weiner throws a baseball did inspire this little piece.

Have I avowed yet that we don’t stand a chance in changing anything at all in politics for the simple reason that it takes lots and lots of money to get it elected to any state or national position? So, if one hasn’t scads of personal wealth to dump into campaigns, one has to sell out his dharma to Giant Industry and forever be beholding. Therefore, we are usually led by a bunch who knows nothing about how the 97 percent of the rest of us get along in our worlds. But this Weiner deal with the baseball gave me an idea for qualifying candidates that maybe even my so-called conservative friends can warm up to. (If you missed it, in a baseball game between democrats and republicans, yesterday, I think, Weiner made a fine over the shoulder catch but his throw back to the infield left a lot to be desired athletically.)

So here is my list of requirements that all candidates, incumbents included, should, by law, have to post on YouTube for the masses to see (if you ain’t got a computer or internet go to your local free library to use theirs):
1. They should post a-with-and-without picture if they have a wig. I am convinced that all republicans have wigs and if I am going to vote for one, I want to know if they really look like Waxman instead of Grassley. (Hell, I would support a Constitutional amendment that declared that no one in Congress could wear a wig.)
2. They should post a video of their throwing a ball, soft or hard, basket or foot, and catching it, too. I have a hard time trusting any politician who can’t perform such a simple American act.
3. They should be required to post before and after photos of any augmentations to their physical character (ie. face-lifts, boob or ass implants, hair follicle relocations, bonding or caps, etc.) If I am going to vote for Sarah Palin because she has a hot body, don’t I really want to know if it is all real? What’s it say about how she will vote if she has had some supplements to her bust line or if she has had some inches carved off her butt?
4. They ought to have to kick some sort of ball for all the public to see. OK, I am in favor of a football, but a soccer ball will work or a dodge ball might be better for politicians. I do not care; I want to know how people kick before I vote.
5. They should have to hit something with a bat or club. It can be a softball, golf ball, hockey ball, tennis ball, or hockey puck. I just want to know how they swing before I vote.
6. They should have to hammer a nail, paint a wall, saw a board, make a cake, boil an egg, etc.
7. They should be required to shoot a gun, long gun and sidearm. I am not all that fond of guns for much more than hunting, but let’s put them out there shooting one so that they are at least familiar with the power of a weapon in case they vote on an issue that divides the nation.
8. They should post a video of their reading a bedtime story to their kids or surrogates. I think you can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they read and if they can read.

That pretty much covers it for me as far as things I’d like to see my candidates do before they could put their names in a race. I am sure the conservatives would like some alterations like shoot a .50 caliber machine gun to hit a target a mile away or rip up a cardboard replica of Clinton (either) with an Uzi. Tea Baggers would like to see someone gut a deer, moose, opossum, or whack down a few wolves from a hovering helicopter. Liberals would want videos of folks climbing a tree, pitching a tent (that would be a good one for all of us I think), delivering a baby in a hot tub, or digging up a community garden. I am willing to add to the list any good ideas for videos. But, before I vote for politicians, I just want to SEE what they look like doing stuff I do or have done on a regular basis. I sure would feel a lot better voting based on what people do rather than what they say.

Well, I am off to jury duty in the great county of Sussex. Almost got a shot at a trial yesterday, but one defendant ran like a Shelby Mustang, and the other was sort of held up because she was found with a condom of pee in it on her way to her pre-trial drug test. I was lucky today because I was in the half that got called in to see if we can get in on a juicy, civil trial. I had a case in JP Court and went four times and once to a 150 dollar arbitration, had two rulings and neither judge nor arbitrator saw my evidence. Truth-up on that, so I am really excited to be able to witness a few more hours of Delaware’s fine justice system in high gear. Oh, yeah, I stole my title once again from a George Jones song. See ya in the funny papers.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Another extremely funny one! Bravo. A couple of things that I would like to know before I vote is if the candidates wash their hands after using the bathroom, if they can pass a lie detector test when lying (simply give them all the same list of false answers to basic questions like, "what is your name?? Answer: Fuzzy Lumpkins)" Anyone who can lie and pass easily gets my vote! For the males, I would have additional questions (because everyone knows that men are more prone to be liars, cheats and sexist pigs) such as "What was the youngest age of the person that you cheated on your wife with?" And so on and so forth..........

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