Dear President Obama,
I suspect that by now you might consider me a pestiferous force of persuasive ideas and all. But for sure, since you couldn’t even hook me up with a job anywhere on the Hill (which would be way cool and would give me no doubt a better image in the minds of my conservative friends- so if you reconsider I would not mind at all) czarring or lobbying or bureaucrating, or what-not, I got sort of steamed and figured I would send you a few opinions that you probably already know but may be forgetting in the short time that you’ve had in office.
Don’t forget that as soon as you got in office, fifty percent of the country hated your guts simply because you are a Democrat, and that it will not matter what you do, bad or good, idiotic or sensible, fiscally fishy or fiscally sound, all those in that fifty percent won’t like it. If it is bad, they will run it up the flagpoles they have out in driveways and label if something despicable like fascist, socialist, communist, or whatever. If it is good, they will lie and say it is bad anyway. So the way I got it figured, you have the most wonderfullest job of all: whatever you will do will be wrong so why not do all you can do to actually bring about some sensible changes, take your one term in office, get a presidential library, and go on speaking tours for ten or twenty thousand dollars a pop. Heck, if there are groups out there willing to pay Sarah Palin twenty-five thousand to make no sense, whatsoever, at a convention or cotillion or craft convention, you ought to be able to suffer through by cutting prices and get a dozen K for sure, at the convention for demoralized democrats or the gathering for responsible government in, say, Texas. Just throw out the conventional rules governing a paragraph and ramble on about anything, toss in some hot words like Hitler or FDR, conclude with a grand visual: fireworks, Harleys thundering by, or decapitation of a few chickens or bunnies with your .357. Heck, sir if you can do all that at the conclusion of any speech, you might be able to pull in the bucks ol’ W is “agittin” wherever he pops up. But, Mr. President, before you get all lined up for an oratorical tour of American and points otherwise, you got to make a few adjustments.
Just forget the health care deal: bad deal and you should have known. When the likes of Richard Nixon couldn't get the boys and girls to move on it, why you just had to know you didn’t stand a chance. There ain’t no way that you are going to get that deal through without insurance, pharmaceuticals, and the doctors ending up better off than they already are. Remember there are greed, gluttony, and the health care industry. So here’s the plan, sir. Arrange a prime time appearance on say 60 Minutes or on the Glen Beck Hour, and simply say, “Look. Folks, I got it all wrong. I was over taken by a fit of altruism and got it all wrong, all wrong. So, what I want America to do is to back the Republican health care plan, 100 percent. In fact, my dear friends, as of this moment, I will veto any bill that comes across the bow of the Oval Office unless it is totally one hundred percent Republican. I just think that is the better way for America, right now. Thanks for your time; my discussions about health care are over, kaput, and all.” And just don’t look back, Mr. President, do the boogaloo, all the way to the White House, kick back, have a Coors Lite in a bottle, and chill. That one miscalculation will be off your back.
Next, sir, appoint a special prosecutor from Willards, Maryland, to investigate all of Wall Street. But set it up that he, no, here’s an idea: get a Republican she- that she start with the Security and Exchange Commission. That would be real easy for her: they have provided no security and have exchanged America’s middle class wealth for huge bonuses for the Wall Street bunch. Give her about ten days to come up with a few suspicions, shouldn’t be hard at all, and fire the whole damned bunch. Everyone of them and cancel their health care and pensions in lieu of prosecution. Find the custodian who has been polishing the brass and emptying the spittoons there and make him or her the secretary with unlimited hiring power and get that show up and running real quick. Next, get the special prosecutor to move onto a ten day investigation of The Federal Reserve and all the regional presidents who set it up so that the banks and brokerages could build a money making empire by investing one freaking dollar of their money against forty dollars borrowed from the Fed. Hell, sir, even Joe the Non-Plumber can see that that is risky business (sorry, sir, I just couldn’t help myself on that trite reference to the movies. We all have our flaws is what I think). Now since these folks were entrusted with the fiscal policy of the whole United States, find them guilty of everything, take away all benefits, put an ankle bracelet on them, and make them work for free for thirty years, directing their wages to John Boehner’s toupee fund or to the RNC. Finally, on this theme, under direction of the Republican special prosecutor,set a bunch of bookkeepers loose investigating all the huge banks that were allowed, despite clear conflicts of interest, to act like brokers. I can guarantee you, President Obama, that, in a South Philly-minute, rats will surface, clasping all sorts of “internal” memos proving not only illegal bookkeeping but also collusion and guilt in anti-trust laws and racketeering. Heck, this approach put Al Capone in jail and will certainly work for that bunch. Sir, when you have pulled this off, make the investigator the czar of special investigations and let her have at it, unlimited power, unlimited venue. Sir, this is pure genius, here, if you catch my drift and all.
Finally, Mr. President, and this is the easiest of all, just stop all the troops’ actions in Afghanistan and Iraq. Do it in one day; hire the entire fleets of America's airlines; fly them to all the airports in both countries; board all the troops (don’t charge them, sir, for the extra baggage; that would not be a good move); bring them all to border states and charge them to get to work on the illegal immigrant deal. Of course, UPS and FEDEX can get the contracts to haul all the gear back home; you know tanks, helicopters, tents, all the accouterments of war. That’s it, Mr. President. Should take about a month.
Now comes the best part for you, sir. After only about seven months in office, have your staff refer all calls to Boehner’s suite, Palin’s twitter page, or Governor Sanford’s South American office. That’s it sir, just turn it all, every bit of it, over to the Republicans. Then, just take the phone of the hook and kick back.