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Thursday, July 23, 2009

New Czar Named

Dear President Obama:

Please consider this letter as my application for one of those czar jobs that are going around. In my case, however, I am not applying to be one of the standard czars, czar of energy, czar of green, czar of auto, you know; you already appointed those folks. Rather, I want my own fiefdom: I want to be czar in charge of flagging bullshit. And from simple observation of the continual and present situation in our nation’s capitol, there ought to be plenty for me to do.

I am not in possession of a degree from Yale or Harvard or holder of a good deal of experience in the economy or science or medicine. But, Mr. President, I have had so many different jobs dealing with all sorts of people, I feel pretty competent in spotting any dispenser of bovine waste. Furthermore, I am positive that if a person is a politician, lobbyist, or high level bureaucrat, I will have no problem identifying waster production; with these folks, it is perpetual.

The first thing I would do, sir, when I take office is to devise a system by which the average (gawd, I almost wrote Joe or Six Pack) citizen can spot American shovelers of cow waste. I would borrow from Hawthorne and require all politicians to wear a medallion large enough to be easily seen from 60 feet that identifies them as creators of informational or auditory waste. I think the letter BS on the medallion or emblazoned on shirts, jackets, hats and overcoats would do nicely. I also think that politicians could order from a Czar of BS Catalog, shirts, sweaters, cuff links, scarves, blouses embroidered, artfully, with BS on sleeves, collars, breast pockets, etc. Sir, you get the drift here. The idea is for regular folks to be able to identify the group so that an escape or defense could be mounted. Certainly, this could easily be budgeted and proceeds from the catalog could be used to offset expenses. Naturally the entire business of the catalog and goods would be developed in China with call centers in India, the cheapest way to go, of course. Or maybe we could buy Detroit and use it as our center, might be some political gain there, sir.

But I diverge, sir. This czarship’s essential and critical role would be to recognize and prove that bullshitting is actually happening. All of this documentation would occur in an open and transparent website that is easily found by the public, maybe, that’s “Piled Higher and Deeper”, Mr. President and the naming certainly is not a done deal. Heck, you might want to suggest that the process be pulled into the stimulus bills and that everyone who sent in a possible name could get a 1000 dollar check, limit one per family, no one making over 100, 000 a year would be eligible. Maybe the winner could get a huge check, say a couple of million for the winning name. Sorry, Mr. President. I am so excited about all the possibilities of potential work for me; I can’t help brainstorming a bit for you. Anyways, once the manure is spotted, it would be quickly be revealed and links to valid sources of information posted, immediately on our website. For example, when a BSer (add that word to your Word dictionary, sir) is guilty of contradicting, misquoting, lifting from context, or just outright lying, my staff would post the discrepancy under the offender’s profile on our website. With the power of today’s computers we could gather this information and crosslink it to other offenders and to their statements. Yes sir, sort of an Excel of bull shit, downloadable in PDF.

As you can see, President Obama, I am ready to serve my nation and can report to work as early as next Monday. And I will work for minimum, sir, and require only in the way of perks a small apartment in Watergate, an adequate doggie hotel for my mutt, Fuzz, tickets for Nationals’ games, and a Smart car to use to get to and from work. I won’t need much of a budget beyond that Mr. President as I plan to come in slow and sleek, sort of like the remodeled auto industry, and I will not use federal employees either. Instead, I will hire just a handful of IT experts from Sri Lanka who will work cheap and will share a couple of bunks and hot plate at the office.

I am ready to go. See you Monday; shall we meet in the Rose Garden or the Oval Office for coffee?

Gnomoney, BS, MS, PhD

PS: I see great potential, sir, in expanding to pig shit, horse shit, rat shit and jack shit as time and our relationships builds.

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